Boot Camp

Apart from Max & Millie being the perfect little dogs that they are, there are two things that I would like to accomplish with them. One is that Millie be 'cured' of her über excitement when she sees other dogs and ceases to be the Howling Hound from Hell on the end of her lead that she currently is. The other, and much more fun thing, is that I'd rather like to do agility with Maximillian seeing how he has so much energy and is always on the go (and I secretly have an urge to appear on Crufts!).............Today, courtesy of Aunty Kay, the torch for both of these dreams has well and truly been lit.

Aunty Kay (Yes, she's drinking by the bottle now!)

This afternoon, Millicent Hermione Oprah McEllis stepped on to the first hurdle of training and met Ali, a lady from Battersea Dogs Home who knows a thing or two about naughty puppies and their not so well trained owners (me!). I have to admit, it did not get off to a wonderful start as Ali wanted to put a muzzle on Millie and I was having none of it....Ali was not best impressed with me. However, in the end I did see reason and understood why and so it went on....until Millie made damn sure that it came off again straight away (That's my girl!).

Exhibit A - Kay muzzling Millie!!!!!

Ali and I had a good long chat, we talked about Millie at home and out at the park, we encountered other dogs with Millie and Ali talked me through the why's and how's of Millie's "condition" and how I could put steps/commands etc in place to minimise the excitement that Millie goes through each and every day. I have to say that Millie was brilliant for the entire 2 hours that we were there, she did very well indeed! We ended her 'session' with a bit of agility......(please ignore the big gayer and focus on the dog!).

Go Team Millie!

What did take me by surprise (which it really should not have done!!!) is just how naughty Maximillian Sydney Bruiser McEllis is.....He. Is. A. Little. Shit. ! ! ! While Ali and I were dealing with Millie, Max was displaying similar, if not the very same symptoms as Millie, only he's more subtle unless it's pointed out to you and to be brutally frank, I really don't notice it.....blinkered vision?!?!?! He's also something of a Daddy's Boy (you don't say?!?!?!) and whenever I left him to go off with Millie and get my/her training he would cry and whimper and generally be a noisy, spoilt little brat.....


Call me Dr. Frankenstein - I have created a monster!

Go Team Max!

It was, all in all, a hugely enjoyable afternoon in Mountsfield Park in Catford with the ladies from Battersea Dogs Home and Aunty Kay. Max and Millie have never been surrounded by so many other dogs and they, I am sure, had as good a time as I did. I learnt some valuable lessons today (so did Millie!) and I will do my best to ensure that they are worked upon with both Millie AND Max! Ali also thinks that once we get this training thing out of the way with Millie and she's absolutely nailed it, she doesn't see why we wouldn't be able to let her off the lead in the future.....YAY!

Yes Max, you should look worried!!!

Finally, to 'Aunty' Kay, from me, Max and Millie, a puppy-sized thank you for getting us started.....Agility classes here we come! (I wonder if I should buy a shell suit?!?!?!?!).....
This week's music is my current favourite track from Monarchy, who's debut album "Around The Sun" is out now.

Vive La France!

Bonjour mes petit moufettes! 


Did you miss us while we were away?

Our carriage awaits....

We departed this fair isle via the 'premier' air service that is Ryanair (It was really not as awful as I thought it was going to be!) destined for the Limousin region of France (south west of Paris in the middle of the loveliest rolling countryside). As my Hubby said, it's very pastoral and not unlike the South Downs of Sussex - apart from the fact that they all speak French, obviously!

The Limousin

We were greeted at Limoges Airport by my grinning Sister in Law, Pol and her lovely fella Col and driven to their abode in the village of Le Dorat, about 45 minutes drive away. When we arrived we immediately noticed how quiet it was with hardly any trains, planes or automobiles, it was trés peaceful.....and very, very warm indeedio, in fact it got to about 40 degrees for the first couple of days - thank God for a large, chilled Panache of an afternoon!

 Maison Lapeyriere - our home for the week

Pol and Col's maison is also their business and they have a Chambre d'hote (B&B) and below it is a laundrette - you can book your room here http://www.maisonlapeyriere.com/. Luckily for us all (although not quite so lucky for our heads!), Maison Lapeyriere is situated almost right next door to the local bar, Cafe de la Poste.......you can safely assume that the Landlord's takings increased vastly during our stay!!!!!

Pol et Col dans la Cafe de la Poste!

The holiday was two-fold.....to indeed have a holiday and get some much needed R&R but also, and much more exciting, to see if we could possibly find a little Maison a la France of our very own......and so the adventure began and off we trotted, cycled and drove around the Limousin countryside for seven days to try and find it. There are some beautiful, in fact some stunning properties in the area and nearly every other word from my lips was either 'ooh', 'aah', 'look at that one' or 'can we afford this one?' 

'Minimal' renovation required!!!

It being only our first trip of investigation, we would have been pretty darn lucky to have found the perfect residence straight away, HOWEVER, we did find A perfect property, albeit hugely overpriced in a town down the road called Magnac Laval....a beauty of a place with lots of land too which would have been superb for the puppies, The Girls and our goat, sheep and pig collection.....*sigh*

The 'perfect' property...

Obviously, staying with Pol and Col meant that we were introduced to their friends and some of the more colourful local characters who would appear at the door of the Cafe de la Poste at 7am awaiting a glass of rose wine before they drove off to work - I kid you not!!!  One of these friendly characters was Jean-Claude, a proper French man in every sense of the word, full of the country with a huge passion for La Chasse (The Hunt) and indeed a HUGE passion pour le vin! The following day we visited Jean-Claude and his wife, Francois at their home in Le Brousses for, yes you guessed it, a glass or two (4 bottles later!!!!) of rose wine. Whilst there we were introduced to his firearm collection and honestly, it is no exaggeration to say that the bullets could have taken out a bull Elephant never mind a little bunny!

A local restaurant - you either love it or hate it!

As well as the local French characters, there is also quite a large English population. We met a few of them and all seem happy and content with their lot in life (It must be soooo difficult to enjoy the lifestyle!!!!) but two of note are Tony & Sue. Honestly, they are rather FANTASTIC people who we got on very well with and enjoyed more than a bottle or two of rose wine (there's a theme developing here!). The first time we met them was at their home in a gorgeous Hamlet where they have a little place in the middle of nowhere (bliss!) with marvellous views of the rolling countryside.......and a swimming pool - tres bon!

Sue & Tony

Sue loves animals (Tony loves wine!) and has rescued the most gorgeous baby Red Squirrel - Cyril! He is a beautiful little creature who now has Sue as his adopted Mum due to his own Mother being missing, presumed killed by some very naughty predator. We all had a cuddle with Cyril, watching him running up and down our arms and around our necks and jumping from one to the other.....Cyril was a delight and it was an honour to be allowed to handle such a beautiful animal that are sadly so rare in the UK! 
It was an evening of swimming, squirrels and getting very, very squiffy!!! 

Cyril et La Grande Moufette

*Update on Cyril* Sue reliably informs me via the medium of Facebook that young Cyril has not been seen for a day or so and that adult Squirrels have been spotted in the area along with a Pine Marten (who love nothing more than chomping on a juicy squirrel!)....we have our fingers crossed for Cyril's safe return or that his family have found him and taken him off to be a proper L'écureuil roux!

Cyril - Mr Seriously Cute!

Sue also cooks and she cooks the most amazing vegetarian food. I am, by my own admission, a carnivore, I really enjoy meat, especially a medium rare steak or a pork roast on a Sunday, so my initial reaction is always one of "where's my chew?", etc. However, cooked and prepared properly, vegetarian food is A-mazing and Sue's was no exception, particularly her Coleslaw *drool*. Tasty, full of flavour and absolutely delicious - and all locally produced.

Ready-made allotment!

The town of Le Dorat has a huge square next to the Collegiale (a big Church-y thingy and quite close to the Monkery next door) where they hold an event known as the Producer's Market. Stalls are set up by local meat, fish and vegetable producers and you can purchase uncooked meats et al and have them cooked to your liking which you can then enjoy with a portion of frites and a glass or two of rose wine (again, locally produced). There were 8 of us that night, however only five of us were drinking wine. At the end of the evening we had gone through NINE bottles of wine - this was after the pre-market Kir cocktails at Chez Pol et Col.....it was a flipping brilliant evening but oh how my head hurt the following day!!!

Tres Tipsy!

Pol and Col are the proud owners of five horses although I think two of them are ponies, one of them definitely is. The nags live a couple of miles up the road in the rolling (and very dry) fields of the Limousin and each morning and evening they would be fed, watered and their poo would be cleared. This is a job, that rather bizarrely, I really enjoyed. Trudging the fields in the summer sun, picking up dried horse poo is a no-brainer, very relaxing and actually rather enjoyable......bizarre but hey, that's moi!

Ou est la shit au Cheval?

In the 'Big Boys' field Pol has turned a small area into a 'garden' and is growing her own fruit and vegetables. Or at least she would be if a little Hare had not decided that this was the place to get his own quota of fruit and veg! Big Brother and I were put into action to build a suitable barrier effectively stopping this little Hare from his regular picnics! At the time of writing the Hare has not returned so perhaps we did a good job.......and, as a baby Hare is called a Leveret we decided that his name would be Kenny.

The Big Boys - Jack, Benny and Dudley

We had a truly wonderful time in the Limousin with Pol and Col, their friends, their animals and the local characters and events that we attended. We went their not knowing what we were going to be greeted with and returned with our hearts full of adoration, our heads full of dreams for the future and memories of the holiday and our tummies full of wine and fantastic food....how could we not have fallen in love with it?! I want to move there NOW!

Hubby - let's move here!

In our absence, our petit chiens Max et Millie have been properly looked after by Grandma Celia, with walking assistance provided by Aunty Kay. We came home and it took the little buggers a couple of hours to realise that we were indeed their 'Dads' and that yes, we were in fact home and it was most definitely us. As for the Girls, they're all fine and dandy although Ruby has taken it upon herself to become broody so that's another loss of egg production, the little sod!

Les Girls

It goes without saying that we owe a HUMONGOUS Thank You to my Mum for doing such a grand job - and thank you Kay for your help. They always have such a lovely time with Grandma when we go away and it's a comfort to know that they're being spoiled in our absence. Now, all I want to do is load them in the car and drive to Le Dorat!

Don't leave me again Dad!

This chapter's music is by an artist called Shy'm and her track 'Tourne' and it is my soundtrack to the holiday, I heard it every day on the local radio and I defy anyone to resist the urge to 'put their paws up' at around 1 minute 7 seconds......a simply beautiful track although I must admit I haven't got the foggiest idea what the hell she is singing about (Isn't Tourne the French for Turn?!).

Right, I'm off to detox!

Happy Father's Day

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

I've always found today a little odd, it's a day I don't really recognise and so it normally passes over my head like a giraffe fart travelling on the winds of time. Having been without a Father, or Father figure, for the majority of my life it's not something I think about, it's not an issue for me, it's just not something I automatically think about. It doesn't stop me thinking about my Dad from time to time though...

Me and my Dad - early 1970s (I loved that Tiger t-shirt!!!!)

The Hubby lost his lovely Dad a number of years ago now. He was a proper Cheshire man, truly part of the countryside and all it stood for. He and his little dog, Penny would wander off up hill and down dale searching for the hunt, spending hours together. Jack had the deepest regional accent I have ever encountered......my fabulous Mother in Law, Mrs Joyce 'Nana' Ellis used to have to translate for me as I could almost never understand what he was saying, I'd just nod blankly at him like some dog in the back window of a car!

The wonderful Mr 'Jack' Ellis

However, today we celebrate all the wonderful, marvellous men out there who go by the name of Dad, Pop, Pa, Father, Daddy, etc. As you might have gathered from previous chapters, we are indeed Dad No. 1 and Dad No. 2 when it comes to the little dogs and so it goes without saying that we can legitimately celebrate and be part of today......I know it's sad, but I LOVE it!

Maximillian and Dad No. 1

I feel a little guilty today because Max and Millie "went shopping" and bought me two new Passion Flower plants for my Passiflora collection as a gift for Father's Day.......Max and Millie got Dad No. 1 nothing! There a couple of reasons for this - 1. I forgot, 2. When I did remember it was too late.....simples. However, to help put matters right and to divert attention away from this oversight (and to put a smile on his face) I have given Dad No. 1 free reign in the garden as a treat.....just this once, just for today......(Everyone loves a Happy Daddy!).

Me and my Bitch

Only 6 days to go and we will be here http://www.maisonlapeyriere.com/ with Dad No. 1's sister and her boyfriend for a week's holiday......it cannot come soon enough although alarm bells are now ringing in my head.......I've been told by my Husband that we're flying with a cheap airline and my baggage capacity is only 10kgs and it's got to be hand luggage only.......er, 10kgs is just shoes isn't it and let's not get started on all my hair care products!?!?!?! *EEK*

Max has a passport.....Millie's is "in progress"....

Grandma Celia is primed and has her coach tickets already and will be touching down in London on Thursday afternoon for a couple of days with us before we go to France.  I'll make sure Mum knows all the important stuff while we're away - emergency numbers, hoover, iron, polish and dusters, etc.....I hope the weather is nice for them while we're away - I'm sure Max and Millie are going to be spoilt rotten in our absence whatever the weather....!

Grandma Celia and Maximillian Sydney Bruiser McEllis

This chapter's music is inspired by Father's Day.....well, it's got Father in the title and that's good enough for me, so ner!

Home Is Where The Heart Is.....

Forgive me, it has been some time since the 'Tit' episode. Not that life has been particularly busy or full on, it's been plodding on rather nicely and I, quite frankly, just haven't felt the urge to 'blog'....scandalous I know, but when one spends one's working week in front of a computer, the last thing one wants to do at home is the exact same thing...and anyway, don't they say "Treat them mean to keep them keen"??? I do hope you're keen to read the blog......go on, tell me you are.....you know you are, don't you?!

A very welcome splash of Spring rain...

Max and Millie haven't had any particular "adventures" as such recently, however they have had their own little moments these past few weeks. The Hubby and I were invited to the (rather fabulous!) wedding of our wonderful upstairs neighbours, Alexandra and Paul (Jizz Pants and Stud), which was held at The Guildhall in Windsor...one honoured guest being the Legend that is Bruce Forsyth. 

Hubby and Alexandra, the blushing Bride

While we were out for the day and night, Max & Millie were ably looked after,  treated and generally spoilt rotten by the lovely Kay and Jim. The dogs loved it and I don't think for one minute that they missed us, not a bit! When we returned home on the Sunday morning their faces were almost disappointed that it was us walking through the door and not Kay and Jim!

Mr & Mrs Loxton-Ruff

As well as the odd social event, we have also upped the stakes on the allotment. Well, in truth WE haven't upped the stakes at all, my Hubby has and I can honestly say he has worked his tits off!!! (What is it with me and tits?!?!) I've "sort of" fallen out of love with it a little bit and prefer to do homely things rather than trudge up to the allotment. Maybe I'm just being a really lazy bugger, which is probably closer to the truth than I care to admit. 

Monsieur Le Frog in the Globe Artichokes

Max loves it up at the allotments as does Millie but as we still can't trust Millie off the lead it feels a bit crap taking her up there and not being able to let her run riot as Max does. The crops are coming on and we have a fair few things in, all doing well, especially now that we have had a good bit of rain.....at last! Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the marvellous Spring weather that we had, but it's good to have some rain....nothing like a bit of moistness to get things growing.....

Part of the plot

Anywho, wasn't this blog supposed to be about The Puppies??? I s'pose all of this is about them, be it directly or indirectly, however to focus on them for a bit I can confirm that they are both very happy little critters. Both are bonkers, mad as a box of frogs, but such a delightful madness it is. They make me (and the Hubby) smile on a daily basis. There is no better tonic on this earth than to walk through the front door after a frigging sh*t day at the office and be greeted by the two waggiest bums in all the Kingdom! And let's not forget a kiss and a cuddle from the handsome-est Husband! *sigh*

Welcome Home Dad!

As I briefly mentioned above, Millie is still not yet in a place where we can trust her off the lead and I honestly don't know if we will ever get there. We've had her a year in August and I feel that she is still settling in. She is the most loving little dog considering her background, she's a beautiful, gentle girl who loves nothing more than having cuddles or being curled up in a warm blanket on the sofa with her Dad (the other Dad, not me!). Take her out on the lead and the minute she sees another dog she transforms into the Queen B*tch from Hell....yapping, crying, pulling like a miniature Shire Horse.....absolutely crazy!!!

I. Am. Crazy.

Talking of crazy, Maximillian continues to trot through every day on his own little planet surrounded by his imaginary friends, chasing tennis balls and chewing Millie's legs. His world is one of continual happiness and playtime and for that I absolutely adore him. The happiest little dog I have ever known, my little Prince, Daddy's first-born (yes, I think I may be a little biased!).....I love them both dearly, but having had Max from a tiny puppy and watched him grow up, he will always be extra special to me (and he is "my" dog!). I cannot and never will be without him, that thought fills my eyes with tears and my heart with a heavy sadness.

Me and my Boy

Tears brings me to this chapter's music choice. Click play on the top right of the screen and listen to Richard Bedford belt out Above & Beyond's "On My Way To Heaven".......it's a corker of a dance track that you can shake your booty to, but it makes me cry and cry and cry and cry when I listen to it......see what you think...!

Max is sleeping!

What Max and Millie don't know is that Grandma Celia is coming to look after them in a couple of weeks while we're away in France visiting the Sister in Law, Pol and her boyfriend, Col....(Thank you Mum xx).

Get Your Tits Out for the Boys.....(and Girls!)

This weekend saw the departure of the Blue Tit chicks that hatched in the back garden. The parents were very attentive as their little brood left the nest box one by one. With much flapping of tiny ineffectual wings and noisy, nervous chirruping the brood were gone.....all but one. Alas, one little chap got left behind and was found on the ground hiding behind a plant pot by a very inquisitive Millie McEllis. 

A Tit in the Hand......

She was very good, although had I not intervened she may well have pawed it into submission, and I picked the little fella up and placed him higher up near the nest box so he could call for Mum and Dad and they could see him. Me and the puppies sat, we waited and we watched.........Mum and Dad had left with the brood and did not return to check on the straggler. Sadly, he did not make it and he departed this life before he ever took flight with the light of the sun fading rapidly on the day of Rapture.

Little 'Bob'

Talking of tits, the Rapture would appear to have passed us by without so much as a squeak from the (uncomfortable) sandals of those who would have us believe that God's wrath was upon us and the end was nigh....Mr Camping (a fine name Sir, a fine name!) would appear to have egg on his face and a rather embarrassed look in his eye. Next time perhaps Mr Camping could bear in mind that God clearly tells us that no one knows the day or hour of the Rapture (apart from Debbie Harry perhaps), God makes no mistakes, he was Born This Way!

Don't Be A Drag, Just Be A Queen!

And that nicely brings us nicely to another hot currant bun of a subject, the fantastic, unstoppable Lady of GaGa. The new album, eagerly anticipated by millions of dedicated followers is out tomorrow and having heard it I think it's rather accomplished, a heady mix of 80s rock, most definitely drenched by Madonna influences and just a sprinkling of Dolly Parton-esque vocals. In this day and age of the almighty download, go for Bloody Mary, Born This Way and Government Hooker, all stand out tracks in their own right. In fact, every track could be a single, no filler all killer.

GaGa of the Ladies!

Let's not forget that we also have our very own Lady GaGa....Millie-Moo McPudling, who is as they say, completely GaGa!!! Since last time I blogged, you will be pleased to hear that I have cheered up much, my ranting, moaning and general 'mood lethargy' being replaced by a cheerful demeanour and a happy outlook (it won't last!). Millie is still requiring much in the way of training when she sees and meets other dogs. It is my dream that one day we will go for a walk and we will not have our arms pulled out of our sockets or listen to the howling banshee from Hell as she tries to reach the dog she's seen....or cat for that matter! However, I must remember that her background is a traumatic one and who knows what goes on inside her little GaGa mind....she is and always will be our little Lady and I hope that she also retains an element of GaGa-ness throughout her life.....

Miss Millie-Moo "GaGa' Pudling

If it couldn't be GaGa enough there's always Maximillian Sydney Bruiser to add that extra portion of complete and utter madness! The 2nd most important man in my life has grown up into a little star. He is perfect, he's adorable, he's a loyal little chap and full to bursting of energy, fun and unconditional love. He is a joy and a pleasure to have around, apart from first thing in the morning when I am trying to sleep and he thrusts a tennis ball in my face and wants to play. At that moment, he is not perfect, adorable or fun. At. All. ! Max is going to be absolutely fit to bursting tonight as his Aunty Kay is coming for dinner with Uncle Jim.....he will POP with apoplexy! Methinks some updated pictures of the 'Kids' with Aunty Kay may be on the agenda.....

B for BONKERS!

Remember to enjoy this week's musical treat at the top of the page.....it's a summery, dancey little number so press 'play', turn it up and shake your hips to the music...maybe next week I'll "treat" you all to some GaGa. OK, that's your lot folks, I really do need to go and check on my Husband who is in the garden unsupervised, who knows what mischief he's getting up to out there without me to keep an eye on him!!! 

Tits would appear to be this week's theme.....!!!

Grumpy Old Man!

Yes people, it is true and I freely admit it, John Denton McKenna is one reeeeeeaaaaally grumpy old man at the moment.....I am not happy, I haven't smiled in days, cheerfulness has left me,  I am devoid of joy......and to add insult to injury, I am guilty of taking it out on the puppies. When we go out for a walk they're not spoken to, they're SHOUTED at and, although at the time I think it's justified, I end up getting home and feeling really guilty. When we do get home M & M are eager to get off their lead, out of their harness, scoff a treat and then they don't really want anything to do with me in the short term, but then why would they!?!?

Go away Dad, we're not interested!

At least my wonderful, handsome, ever-suffering Husband is still talking to me, although I reckon given half the chance he'd lock me in the shed at the bottom of the garden and tell me to get over it! Get over it I eventually will, but for now it's me against the dogs and in reality I think the dogs are silently and stealthily winning, which in itself is (sort of!!!) helping me out of my 'doom and gloom'. My only 'issue', if you can call it that, is Millie's absolute refusal to hear me or obey commands given by me, which just feeds the flames and stokes the fire of my negative mood....

Grumpy. Old. Man. aka Emperor Ming(er)

When we go walking and John takes Millie she is as good as gold, walking to heel perfectly and doing exactly as she is told, when she is told. She is his dog and she is devoted, which of course isn't the issue. When I take her for a walk she pulls and pulls and will not behave for me, will not hear me, blatantly ignores me and simply gets on with her own agenda....to Millie I am simply not there and will be ignored (unless I huff and puff and blow a gasket!).

Who are you???

John and I often joke that Max is my dog and Millie is John's dog and I suppose, in reality, they are. Millie is absolutely, completely and utterly devoted to John, it was John on his hands and knees in the woods trying to coax her out when she was a stray and it's John she looks for at home time. Max is Max and is happy with whoever but it's me that walks him and there are, I am told, comparisons between him and me in the mental department!!! 

Peas in a pod...

At the end of the day, there's only room for one Alpha male in the pack and Millie recognises him as John, and she is correct, he is the Alpha male, I just have to get over myself and recognise that I am, in Millie's eyes, not worthy. They give such unconditional love in the home, it's only when out walking that she ignores me, so what the hell is my problem....? 


I love my dogs and they love me (if I have food or a tennis ball!). 


Get over it McKenna!

We love you Dad!

The previous chapter of the blog mentioned the imminent arrival of Finley & Archie with Bella and Muffin from Ashtead. I am pleased to say that all went well and they all behaved themselves impeccably! Unfortunately I didn't take many pictures and the few that I did take are not very good. However, I am glad to report that there was no carnage, as was expected, Millie got on fine with the Boys and Max just played and played all day with them. It was lovely, not only for the dogs, but also for us to catch up with Bella & Muffin...a wonderful afternoon!

Millie in her new 'bling' for the Boys....

We also had Henry, Emma and James over for a BBQ on Sunday afternoon. Again, another corker of an afternoon, much enjoyment, great grub, laughs and sunshine. Henry had recently been in a bicycle accident and was attending with arm in sling and high on medicinal drugs. Emma, his long suffering girlfriend was on hand to give 'nursing care' as and when needed, while Little Brother James showed off a new 'do'.....looking very trendy in the process!

Max and his flat cap....

You will notice that there is a new addition to the front page of the blog called Max & Millie's Music. Click the play button to hear what the 'Little Darlings' are currently enjoying listening to. The track will change so keep checking in now and again for the latest additions. I will leave you with a video of happier times, when I wasn't a grumpy old man and enjoyed playing 'silly buggers' with Millie and Max.......enjoy....

The madness of Millie and Max!

P.S. We have Blue Tits nesting in the back garden and we can now hear the chicks calling for food......fledging chicks are imminent!!!